WTF AMERICA

Another One Bites the Dust

2005-01-24T07:31:00.000-05:00

Why does it always hurt so much to say goodbye to the ones we love?

In a touching farewell speech this afternoon (Ahem…), John Ashcroft thanked America for four long, glorious years of service as Attorney General. Oh, and glorious they were, John! No, really... thank YOU.

In the speech, he affectionately referred to several helpful staff members as “Huey, Dewey, and Louie.”

He also made special reference to the position he held, one of the highest political appointments in the U.S., as (using finger quotations in the air) “the Office of the Attorney General.” Huh? Is it not normally called that? Or was he openly telling reporters (wink wink) that while that’s how WE all refer to the office, it’s really known internally as something else? Hmm…

No word on when his next album will be released, but foreshadowing was evidenced by the two flags with large eagle motifs in the background.

“Let the Eagle Soar”
Anyone, anyone?

And, yes, one more man is down. Let’s also not forget that yet another Department of Homeland Security official found the kitchen just a little too hot to handle.

SpongeBob Reacts

2005-01-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

K.D. Lang is gay. Carson Kressley is gay. Prolonged exposure to John Mayer's music may cause temporary gayness. But what about SpongeBob SquarePants? We had to find out.

Mr. SquarePants refused to grant WTF America an interview. When asked to comment about the recent debacle, Mr. Sqaurepants had only this sentiment to share.

Tinky Winky was on site to offer his support. Mr. Winky went through a similar ordeal back in 1999, when the Rev. Jerry Falwell questioned the Teletubby's sexual orientation.

Gay Warning!

2005-01-21T09:00:00.000-05:00

Every once in a while, I see a news story with a headline so ridiculous, it makes me stop and say to myself, "What the fuck?" This is that story.

Christians issue gay warning on SpongeBob video

"Gay warning?" What the fuck is a gay warning? Is that like an Orange Alert level, or is it more like the CDC issuing a warning about SARS? Careful, don't watch that SpongeBob video; you might catch The Gay! The best part of this whole sordid affair is that, from what I can glean from our wonderful news media, there isn't anything gay about the video at all. It merely features SpongeBob, who apparently engages in regular graphic sodomy on his cartoon show, and was produced by a group that has a Tolerence Pledge that mentions something about respecting people's sexual identity.

Focus on Family founder James Dobson took exception to this Tolerence Pledge, and was quoted as saying, "Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary, but it crosses a moral line." While I pledge to respect James Dobson's differing beliefs, I would also like to point out that he is a fucking douche bag. How does it cross a moral line to agree to respect a person's sexual identity? I guess I missed the part of the Bible where Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor, but not too much, lest ye become thine fag."

This Just In!

2005-01-21T07:35:00.000-05:00

In WTF America’s continuing coverage of SquarePants Standoff 2005, we bring you a live CNN News feed where the President is currently speaking with world leaders from the Oval Office, putting them at ease now that crisis has been averted.

In an earlier press conference President Bush was quoted as saying, “I regret to inform American’s that today we have once again raised terror threat levels to accommodate a new threat: SpongeBob SquarePants. All our intelligence sources indicate proof of this threat and the increasing need for American’s to take cover and protect themselves from SquarePants’ evil insurgency. Our Department of Homeland Security will soon issue directives to leaders in all 50 states, outlining recommended protection measures.”

He later continued, “SquarePants cannot run; he cannot hide. No pineapples under the sea will be left unturned. No crabby shack will evade us. Mr. SquarePants: We will root you out and destroy all those who seek to follow your ways.”

As SquarePants Standoff 2005 continues, we now take you to additional coverage, taking place now on the following channels:

1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13 :: 14 :: 15 :: 16 :: 17 :: 18 :: 19 :: 20

FCC F's Up Again - Part 2

2005-01-19T09:09:00.000-05:00

Fox is at it again. Who needs the FCC anymore, when you have a broadcaster so eager to obey?

Ever watch the Best Damn Sports Show Period? It airs everynight from 9pm to 11pm on FSN, a Fox cable channel. I have never really seen the show, partly because I'm not really all that interested in what Tom Arnold has to say about sports. And partly because, well... I'm not really all that interested in what Tom Arnold has to say in general. I don't dislike him. I just don't care.

Anyway.

Fox, undeserving sons-of-bitches that they are, who stand to make $2.4 million per 30-second commercial during the Superbowl, will be airing a special episode of the Best Damn Sports Show Period that Sunday, as part of their pre-game line-up. But since it will be on broadcast TV, the monkeys at Fox have opted to call it, the Best "Darn" Superbowl Road Show Period, instead of it's original, more "offensive" title.

I wish I was kidding. But I'm not, I've seen commercials for it. The continuing pussification of America through censorship is making me angry. And it's making Baby Jesus cry.

FCC F's Up Again

2005-01-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

What would we American's do without the watchful eye of our neighbors to the North? Thank God for the Canadian media! CNN was apparently too busy reporting BIG news of the day yesterday, missing the latest queen-sized F-up in the FCC debaucle.

First America was at arms over Howard Stern and his frequent stripper guests. Never mind the fact that his show surfed the radio waves for years, was carried on television, and that much of America flocked to theaters to see the movie version of his on-air exploits. Doesn't a hit radio show, book, and movie indicate America has given their seal of entertainment approval?

Then, we got all in a tizzy over Janet's... Well... titty! Men can scratch their balls on air during the Super Bowl and the Coors girls can shake their cans during the commercial breaks, but ONE slippery, sneaky, little rogue breast and all bets are off?!? Aww, hell!

This priority has since shifted and now we're squashing a real menace to our society: cartoon porn. Sure, it's soft-core. But we must stop this insanity now before it really eats away at the fiber of our culture! Cartoon ass will not be tolerated!! Just head to France or Switzerland if you insist on that kinky cartoon shit.

Next will be... what???

My best guess is below, in the form of a handy illustration to help you sort out this whole complicated mess. Feel free to print it and place in your wallet for quick reference. Enjoy!

Boxing Condoleeza

2005-01-18T07:39:00.000-05:00

If you just crawled out from under your rock today, Condoleeza Rice had her ass handed to her by Barbara Boxer. There seems to have been a cameo appearance by Lex Lugar. Could it be?!?

To read the drama as it unfolded, follow this link.

Or, if you're just itchin' to sign yet another online petition... make the mad dash here.

Get Your Protest On, Bitches!

2005-01-17T17:17:00.000-05:00

Figured out what you're going to do on Inauguration Day yet? Here are some suggestions:

Outside Washington D.C. (Nation Wide)

Black Armband for Justice - Time to dust off your mourningwear.

Not One Damn Dime Day - A 24-hour boycott on all consumer spendings.

Blue Flu Day - Call in sick. Play hookie. Show the President this country needs the other half of its citizens/workers too.

In Washington D.C.

Turn You Back on Bush - Protesters will literally be turning their backs on the Presidential Motorcade all along the parade route. Personally, I think this is inspired by the Klingon Decommendation.

Act Now to Stop War & End Racism - Folks at A.N.S.W.E.R. will be converging on 4th St. and Pennsylvania Ave. along the north side of the parade route. These folks are fighting hard to keep the parade route open to everyone.

Billionaires for Bush - They'll be auctioning off Social Security and other public properties to the highest bidder. They will also be hosting the Re-Coronation Inaugural Ball, from 8:30pm to 2am, at the Platinum Nightclub.

ReDefeatBush - They will be hosting their own Counterinaugural Ball at Dream, from 6:30pm to 2:30am.

Enjoy yourselves, Bitches!

Release the Hounds!

2005-01-15T16:51:00.000-05:00

We may be fucked.....

(Thanks to Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! for the heads up)

Keeper of The Gates

2005-01-15T01:10:00.000-05:00

It was announced today, through an exclusive deal rumored to be worth well over 10 billion dollars, that Microsoft has acquired exclusive rights for the usage of the word “gate” as a suffix, for the next 100 years. Apparently, the plan to obtain the rights to the word was put in motion by the Chairman of Microsoft, Bill Gates, shortly after the Super Bowl of 2004.

Bill Gates issued the following statement during the press conference at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond, WA:

1972, a burglary at the Democratic National Committee’s offices at the Watergate Hotel set off a series of political events, leading to the impeachment of Richard Nixon. The word “gate” has since become synonymous with scandal and deception.

However, media appetite for sensationalism has since resulted in the blatant over-use of the word. This has given rise to gems like Rathergate, Nipplegate, Zippergate, and Christina Applegate.

We intend to put a stop to this madness, and restore the word to its original luster, so our children can freely enjoy the word in its purest essence. Anyone using the word “gate” without written authorization will be bombarded with a litany of litigation from our Legal Department, and be denied upgrades to any future versions of Microsoft Windows and/or Microsoft Office products.

When informed by an over zealous reporter that Christina Applegate is not “a scandal”, but instead is an actress who works and resides in Hollywood, CA, Gates became visibly annoyed and replied, ”It doesn’t matter, we own her too, now.” No further comments were given.

Euphemism

2005-01-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

I am a great admirer of George Carlin. A comedic genius like George comes but once a generation. And if you've seen or heard any of his performances, then you'd know his profound hatred of euphemism is a long running source of material in his career.

Euphemism is a device, often used to diffuse hot-button issues, or to make things sound more important than they really are. "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" seems less painful than "Shellshock". An upgrade from "Secretary" to "Executive Assistant" sounds like it would come with a raise.

The hottest euphemism of the 21st century has to be Intelligent Design.

The definition of Intelligent Design is as follows, according to Intelligent Design network, a proponent of this "theory".

The theory of intelligent design (ID) holds that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause rather than an undirected process such as natural selection. ID is thus a scientific disagreement with the core claim of evolutionary theory that the apparent design of living systems is an illusion.

Note the use of the phrase "intelligent cause". Many Intelligent Design "scholars" sometimes indirectly imply that extraterrestrials (i.e. aliens) may be the force behind such intelligent cause. Please! If that's not a fucking gimmick for hooking the sci-fi geeks, I don't know what is. They are talking about God and Creationism, not Chewbacca and the fucking Millennium Falcon.

William S. Harris and John H. Calvert, two supposedly "experts" in the field of Intelligent Design, wrote an essay in 2003, titled, Intelligent Design - The Scientific Alternative to Evolution. Go ahead and read it if you want a chuckle. By the way, saying Intelligent Design is the scientific alternative to Evolution is like claiming *NSYNC is the non homo-erotic alternative to the Backstreet Boys. You can say it, but it's awfully hard to do with a straight face. Intelligent Design is nothing more than a lame attempt to give God scientific credibility, by some of his more fanatical followers, so they can sneak their agenda into the classrooms of America.

Faith in God requires no scientific validation, nor does it require participation from our education system.

The Sound of Silence

2005-01-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

In Maryland, no child is left behind... except for the deaf ones, of course.

Geniuses that they are, administrators at the Maryland Department of Education decided this year that deaf students should be tested on... sounds.

We read their mouths and could have swore we saw one Dept. of Education official whispering, "This is our best PR stunt ever! Next time let's test the blind kids with colors, the lisp kids with limericks, and the stuttering kids with a little alliteration. Muahahaha!"

As of press time the Dept. of Education could not comment on these plans for world domination.

TV, I Love You So Much It Makes Me Vomit

2005-01-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

A Cleveland, OH man is suing NBC for $2.5 million because a recent episode of Fear Factor made him vomit. Apparently the show, which first made me vomit years ago when it premiered, had finally crossed some line with Austin Aitken when it forced it's contestants to eat rats that had been put through a blender.

The fact that this horrific sight made that poor man regurgitate is not surprising. What is surprising is that this was somehow worse than previous episodes, where contestants ate cockroaches or transfer the severed toes of human infants between different bowls using only their mouths.

Aitken admits to being a regular viewer of the show, so the vile and degrading acts performed by the show's contestants were well known to him. How then can he possibly be suing NBC for airing a show he knew to be horrible? Why didn't poor Austin just watch The Benefactor or whatever the hell is on CBS on Mondays? It can't possibly involve rats in a blender, because only the network that brought you such high-class entertainment as The Biggest Loser and Joey would air something like that.

How about this... Can I sue Austin Aitken for somehow making me read about how he filed a dumbass lawsuit, causing me to get angry?? That's got to be worth at least a million.

WTF of the Day

2005-01-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

We've got spirit, yes we do. We've got spirit, so fuck you!

Guy Womack, lawyer for Specialist Charles Garner, who is facing charges for his involvement in the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal, had this to say in court today in regards to the stacking of naked Iraqi captives.

"Don’t cheerleaders all over America form pyramids six to eight times a year. Is that torture?"

Move over, "insanity defense". The "stupidity defense" is here. What fucking TV commercial did Specialist Garner get this lawyer from?!?

I pray to Jebus this is fake news. You can read the full article here.

Delay Smacks Tsunami Victims

2005-01-10T18:59:00.000-05:00

During the live telecast of the 109th Congressional Prayer Service last Tuesday, House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Texas), made some rather asshole-ish remarks regarding the Asian Tsunami victims... very reminiscent of the post-911 statement made by Jerry Falwell.

An excellent report of the incident, including transcript and audio, can be found on American Coprophagia.

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

2005-01-09T07:41:00.000-05:00

It was a Saturday... 10:34am... Breaking news came across the bottom of the TV screen... I dropped the remote. All was silent for a few… frightening… moments.

Yeah, and then I broke into side-splitting, milk-coming-out-my-nose laughter!!

Are you kidding me, America? Didn't we learn anything from Bennifer? Didn't we get older and wiser? Well, if we look back now and see the ridiculous stupidity of our following Jen and Ben's every waking (or sleeping) move... well, then why the hell is the break-up of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston breaking news?!?

Tsunami's, atomic bombs, stock market crashes, and general ole rape & pillage are all worthy breaking news segments, for which I expect to see scrolling words filling the bottom of my TV screen. These are top stories. Also, the occasional school closing. But, not a Hollywood break-up, which we could have expected was inevitable anyway!

Aww crap, what God-awful road are we headed down? And, why do I get the feeling that when we get there (wherever this train is headed), it's going to look an awful lot like Hollywood and be filled with a slew of divorcees named Jennifer?

WTF of the Day

2005-01-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

Here's a great new idea from Motorola, snowboarding apparel with built-in cell phone technology.

That's not rain, boys and girls. That's Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy crying in Heaven.

Petra 1, Tsunami 0

2005-01-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, everyone can breathe now.

Petra Nemcova, the Czech supermodel is in a hospital, recovering from her earlier ordeal with the Asian tsunami. Petra clung onto a tree for nearly 8 hours, while many of the native inhabitants were unable to find trees and lost their lives in the swirling waters.

The death toll from the tsunami, which was triggered by an earthquake off the coast of Indonesia, is currently at 180,000 people. But nevermind that. The Sports Illustrated covergirl '03 is still with us!

Thank you American Media, for your diligent reporting on this matter.

With all of the turmoil in Southeast Asia, I didn't think you would have the time to help put my mind at ease. I understand there are people suffering in that part of the world, but it was important for me to know that I can un-retire my copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog, featuring the gorgeous and courageous Petra.

Here are links to just a few of the 8 billion "news" reports regarding Petra's tragic experience:

Czech Supermodel Injured in Tsunami Disaster - USA Today

SI Model Survives Tsunami - Sports Illustrated

N.Y. Supermodel Held on for Dear Life for 8 Hours in Raging Surf - New York Daily News

SI Swimsuit Covermodel Survives Tsunami - MSNBC

Czech Supermodel Injured in Tidal Wave - ABC News.com

Tsunamis Shatter Celebrity Holidays - CNN.com

Waves Spare Neither Rich Nor Poor - CBS News.com

Czech Supermodel Injured in Tsunami - FOXNews.com

Seriously Media, what the Phuket!?

Poker 'Til it Hurts

2004-12-30T21:58:00.000-05:00

I love poker, especially the No Limit Texas Hold'em variety. I'll watch just about every form of poker on TV, even Razz (The most aggrevating variation of poker ever, mainly played by old grumpy men who hate life.). And there is a lot of poker to be watched on TV! Shows like the Travel Channel's World Poker Tour, Fox Sportsnet's Poker Superstars Invitational, Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, and the newly created Poker Royale on the Gameshow Network. They litter the airwaves with "hot Hold'em action". Not to mention the annual World Series of Poker, one of the top rated shows on ESPN.

I don't just love watching poker, however. I love playing as well, thanks to my extremely impulsive and highly addictive peronality. :) I play poker an average of 4 times a week, both in home games and online. Sites like PokerStars, PartyPoker, and Full Tilt Poker have eaten up hour upon hour of my life... and a small chunk of my wallet.

But I'm not the only one swept up in the poker frenzy. Little Billy and his other 8th-grader friends are playing poker too. That's right, kids are organizing home games all over this country, playing poker for money. Many children are doing this with their parents' knowledge and permission.

The idea of kids playing poker for money does not sit well with me (a non-parent). And it should not sit well with others. Many parents say they allow these home games, because this way they know their kids are "not out there doing drugs or having sex." In a plethora of recent tv interviews (you name it... the Today show, Good Morning America, 20/20) interviewed parents say they're satisfied to at least know "where their kids are." Give me a fucking break! Parents today feel so overwhelmed and have so little time for their children that they are too quick to settle on just 'breaking even' (no pun intended). Everything is OK, as long as the kids aren't setting their siblings on fire or sodomizing the family cat.

Poker, much like cable tv, video games, or that stack of porno hidden under the case of motor oil in the garage, are not substitutes for good parenting. They are not even good substitutes as babysitters. I'm sorry parents, but permission to negelect your children is denied. You decided to pop them out. Now you actually have to raise them, and raise the well. Letting them play poker for money, no matter how small the buy-in, is not the way to do it.

Poker is a game of skills. It is a game of probability, mathematics, and psychology. Your kids can learn a lot of these things by play poker. But they can also learn about these thing by going to school, and by paying some fucking attention while they are there. Poker is also a study in social interaction. But, if your kids can't be social in a school with 200-300 of their peers, then they are just doomed to live in your basement for the rest of their lives.

At the end of the day poker will join the ranks of Marilyn Manson, Grand Theft Auto 3, and The Matrix. Poker will become just another scapegoat for shitty parenting. The dangers and the temptations have always been out there, but it also has always been a parental responsibility to navigate around those dangers.

Poker can't do that job for you. Nothing can.

Grip 'N Flip

2004-12-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen the Flip 'N Grip?

Nope, it is not a new dance move. And no, it is not slang for some kind of male masturbation technique.

(Although I must say, isn't it about time someone combine those two things and come up with a new dance move that involves simulating male masturbation? I'm fuckin' serious! In the age of the Rockaway and the Muscle; this could be the next club craze. You know what I'm talkin' about. That is unless you've been living under a rock this past year, and didn't catch even just one of Usher's 8 billion videos. And I don't mean the Usher sex tape. Even though I've read somewhere that he took on two chicks in the video, and some degree of flippin' and grippin' was most certainly involved. But now I'm just completely going off on a tangent. Go Usher!)

Now, back to the Flip 'N Grip. The Flip 'N Grip is one of those "As Seen On TV" products that you see at 2 o'clock in the morning, after Spike TV just finished showing On Her Majesty's Secret Service for the 6th time that day, during their 007 marathon. (Cuz you know, there are only like 18 Bond films to choose from, not counting Casino Royale. I love James Bond, I really do. But after 12 hours of watching George Lasenby trying to act as cool as Sean Connery, which, incidentally, is the only man in the world I would seriously consider going gay for at least once... well, I was ready to settle for a colo-rectal exam with Edward Scissorhands.)

Anyway, the Flip 'N Grip is a kitchen utensil for people who lack dexterity in their fingers. Not to mention the mental capacity to use a regular kitchen spatula. See for yourself. Pretty fuckin' stupid isn't it?

"Patented spatula firmly grips eggs, hot dogs, bacon so they can be turned easily without slipping away."
"You can turn over just one strip of bacon or lift out the whole batch"

Personally, I've never had a problem with flipping over an egg, or picking up more than one strip of bacon with a spatula. Then again, I haven't wet my bed since the age of 14. So obvisouly, I work off a higher level of intellect and maturity than the inventor of the Flip 'N Grip. And seriously, do you really need to lift out the entire batch of bacon or sausages at once? Is anyone out there really that busy, that they can't spare the extra 8 seconds, and pick up the bacon in say... 3 tries?

No one really needs a Flip 'N Grip. Unless you are the President of the United States of America, a CEO of a major corporation, or a trophy housewife planning important fundraising luncheons for the next flavor-of-the-week charity. Then again, if you are the President of United States, you probably don't know how to use a spatula. Besides, if you are one of those people. You should have an assistant there to fuck around with the spatula for you. If not, you should really consider getting one.

An Introduction

2004-12-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

Like many Americans, I was outraged by the result of our presidential election. I was angry, and could not for the life of me understand how over half of this country could be so retarded. I wanted to grab America by the shoulders, and shake the shit out of it.

So, I registered this domain name the morning after. But I wasn't the only person to have the idea of yelling at America via the world wide web that day. A huge crop of anti-Bush/anti-Republican websites popped up out of nowhere that week.

I thought to myself, why jump on that bandwagon? Why cover a topic that has already been so well covered? And really, why stop at just politics? Sure, there are a lot of stupid ideas being put in motion by a lot of stupid old people in suits, with stupid lapel pins. But what about in our everyday lives?

Don't you see or hear something that makes you say to yourself, "What the fuck, America?!" on just about a daily basis? I do.

So, this is what this blog is for. It is for me, and other like-minded folks to point out things that are wrong in America. Things that may not necessarily be exclusive to America, but flourish in American culture. I imagine some of these will be light-hearted, and rather tongue-in-cheek. But some will be serious, and deserving of a intelligent conversation.

Welcome to "WTF America."
I hope you enjoy your stay.

Link to Us

2004-12-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

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