Another One Bites the Dust

Why does it always hurt so much to say goodbye to the ones we love?

In a touching farewell speech this afternoon (Ahem…), John Ashcroft thanked America for four long, glorious years of service as Attorney General. Oh, and glorious they were, John! No, really... thank YOU.

In the speech, he affectionately referred to several helpful staff members as “Huey, Dewey, and Louie.”

He also made special reference to the position he held, one of the highest political appointments in the U.S., as (using finger quotations in the air) “the Office of the Attorney General.” Huh? Is it not normally called that? Or was he openly telling reporters (wink wink) that while that’s how WE all refer to the office, it’s really known internally as something else? Hmm…

No word on when his next album will be released, but foreshadowing was evidenced by the two flags with large eagle motifs in the background.

“Let the Eagle Soar”
Anyone, anyone?

And, yes, one more man is down. Let’s also not forget that yet another Department of Homeland Security official found the kitchen just a little too hot to handle.

SpongeBob Reacts

K.D. Lang is gay. Carson Kressley is gay. Prolonged exposure to John Mayer's music may cause temporary gayness. But what about SpongeBob SquarePants? We had to find out.

Mr. SquarePants refused to grant WTF America an interview. When asked to comment about the recent debacle, Mr. Sqaurepants had only this sentiment to share.



Tinky Winky was on site to offer his support. Mr. Winky went through a similar ordeal back in 1999, when the Rev. Jerry Falwell questioned the Teletubby's sexual orientation.

Gay Warning!

Every once in a while, I see a news story with a headline so ridiculous, it makes me stop and say to myself, "What the fuck?" This is that story.

Christians issue gay warning on SpongeBob video

"Gay warning?" What the fuck is a gay warning? Is that like an Orange Alert level, or is it more like the CDC issuing a warning about SARS? Careful, don't watch that SpongeBob video; you might catch The Gay! The best part of this whole sordid affair is that, from what I can glean from our wonderful news media, there isn't anything gay about the video at all. It merely features SpongeBob, who apparently engages in regular graphic sodomy on his cartoon show, and was produced by a group that has a Tolerence Pledge that mentions something about respecting people's sexual identity.

Focus on Family founder James Dobson took exception to this Tolerence Pledge, and was quoted as saying, "Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary, but it crosses a moral line." While I pledge to respect James Dobson's differing beliefs, I would also like to point out that he is a fucking douche bag. How does it cross a moral line to agree to respect a person's sexual identity? I guess I missed the part of the Bible where Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor, but not too much, lest ye become thine fag."

This Just In!

In WTF America’s continuing coverage of SquarePants Standoff 2005, we bring you a live CNN News feed where the President is currently speaking with world leaders from the Oval Office, putting them at ease now that crisis has been averted.

In an earlier press conference President Bush was quoted as saying, “I regret to inform American’s that today we have once again raised terror threat levels to accommodate a new threat: SpongeBob SquarePants. All our intelligence sources indicate proof of this threat and the increasing need for American’s to take cover and protect themselves from SquarePants’ evil insurgency. Our Department of Homeland Security will soon issue directives to leaders in all 50 states, outlining recommended protection measures.”

He later continued, “SquarePants cannot run; he cannot hide. No pineapples under the sea will be left unturned. No crabby shack will evade us. Mr. SquarePants: We will root you out and destroy all those who seek to follow your ways.”

As SquarePants Standoff 2005 continues, we now take you to additional coverage, taking place now on the following channels:

1 :: 2 :: 3 :: 4 :: 5 :: 6 :: 7 :: 8 :: 9 :: 10 :: 11 :: 12 :: 13 :: 14 :: 15 :: 16 :: 17 :: 18 :: 19 :: 20

FCC F's Up Again - Part 2

Fox is at it again. Who needs the FCC anymore, when you have a broadcaster so eager to obey?

Ever watch the Best Damn Sports Show Period? It airs everynight from 9pm to 11pm on FSN, a Fox cable channel. I have never really seen the show, partly because I'm not really all that interested in what Tom Arnold has to say about sports. And partly because, well... I'm not really all that interested in what Tom Arnold has to say in general. I don't dislike him. I just don't care.

Anyway.

Fox, undeserving sons-of-bitches that they are, who stand to make $2.4 million per 30-second commercial during the Superbowl, will be airing a special episode of the Best Damn Sports Show Period that Sunday, as part of their pre-game line-up. But since it will be on broadcast TV, the monkeys at Fox have opted to call it, the Best "Darn" Superbowl Road Show Period, instead of it's original, more "offensive" title.

I wish I was kidding. But I'm not, I've seen commercials for it. The continuing pussification of America through censorship is making me angry. And it's making Baby Jesus cry.

FCC F's Up Again

What would we American's do without the watchful eye of our neighbors to the North? Thank God for the Canadian media! CNN was apparently too busy reporting BIG news of the day yesterday, missing the latest queen-sized F-up in the FCC debaucle.

First America was at arms over Howard Stern and his frequent stripper guests. Never mind the fact that his show surfed the radio waves for years, was carried on television, and that much of America flocked to theaters to see the movie version of his on-air exploits. Doesn't a hit radio show, book, and movie indicate America has given their seal of entertainment approval?

Then, we got all in a tizzy over Janet's... Well... titty! Men can scratch their balls on air during the Super Bowl and the Coors girls can shake their cans during the commercial breaks, but ONE slippery, sneaky, little rogue breast and all bets are off?!? Aww, hell!

This priority has since shifted and now we're squashing a real menace to our society: cartoon porn. Sure, it's soft-core. But we must stop this insanity now before it really eats away at the fiber of our culture! Cartoon ass will not be tolerated!! Just head to France or Switzerland if you insist on that kinky cartoon shit.

Next will be... what???

My best guess is below, in the form of a handy illustration to help you sort out this whole complicated mess. Feel free to print it and place in your wallet for quick reference. Enjoy!

Boxing Condoleeza

If you just crawled out from under your rock today, Condoleeza Rice had her ass handed to her by Barbara Boxer. There seems to have been a cameo appearance by Lex Lugar. Could it be?!?

To read the drama as it unfolded, follow this link.

Or, if you're just itchin' to sign yet another online petition... make the mad dash here.